Friday, March 26, 2010

Sarah Palin's Alaska

Hello friends. I know, this is a departure, with not one word about cycling (except that one). I seem to have lost control of my keyboard today, and have been inspired by recent news events and feel compelled to share. I hope you enjoy it.


(if reading aloud, use that crazy Minnilaska accent)

“Hello God-fearing, freedom lovers and welcome to my home, the Great State of Alaska. Today, we’re going to get a bird’s eye view of an absolutely beautiful part of the state. Maybe you’ve heard of the (reads from her hand) Yukon Charley Rivers National Preserve. Probably not, but maybe. It’s in eastern Alaska near the border we share with our friendly, but socialistic, neighbors, the Canadians. And we get to fly in a helicopter.
“With us today are our pilot, Robert, and Eugene. (shakes hands with each) This is going to be a great trip. Boy, when was the last time I was in a helicopter? Maybe it was at the end of the 2008 election leaving the McCain compound. Golly, for a Republican, he sure is, you know, kind of liberally, you know. Anyway, whoo! Flashback over! Focus, focus.
“So, Robert we’re heading up and Eugene is going to spot some wolves for us.”
“That’s right, Ms Palin. He’s got a pretty high-powered scope on that baby, so he’ll have a great view from the air.”
“The fellas in the spotter plane told us exactly where the wolves are, so we won’t have to waste any time.”
“Let’s do it!” (winks at camera)

(Up in the Air - sweeping views of the landscape - all three are wearing headphones)
“Look at this, it’s early March and it’ll be over a month before the river ice goes out, so the only travel is by snow machine, planes or helicopters. Lucky for us, we get to use this chopper. I’ve bundled up because it’s pretty chilly up here, and it’ll be even colder when Eugene opens the door so he can get a shot. Oh, looky what I see down there...”
(Camera pans down to a pack of 5 wolves.)
“Oh, they’re gonna start runnin’ I just know it.”
EUGENE (opens door and holds gun to his shoulder)
“Lean us just a little, Robert”
“Nice shots.” (pats him on the shoulder)
“Thanks Governor. You want the next one. It has a collar.”
“Oh, do I?!” (places hand over heart ala Pledge of Allegiance)
“Here you go, safety’s on.”
“Safety first!”( she pulls the gun to her shoulder, releases safety, sights and pulls the trigger) BANG “There’s another one over to the right, Robert!”
“Copy.” (He maneuvers toward the fourth wolf.)
“Perfect, perfect. Another collared one!” BANG “Yes!”
“Well done, Governor.”
“You know what I did? I was just thinkin’ of Osama Bin Laden and Putin’s ugly head and kablooey!”
(All laugh)
“I’m gonna put her down now.”
(All disembark with snowshoes and walk out toward the wolves)

SP (talking to camera, with Robert and Eugene standing behind her, also looking at the camera)
“I know what you’re thinking. Two of those wolves did have radio collars. Sure, we saw them. But just like when I buy a new pair of Naughty Monkey shoes when God knows I don’t need another pair, it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Right, Todd?” (turns to the guys) “I’m sure you guys know that line!”
(All laugh)

(Later, all surround a wolf and are handling it.)
SP (lifting a paw to her hand)
“Just look at his paw. See how big it is? Wow, look at that. And what fur! This is going to make a beautiful coat for somebody, or maybe a ruff for a musher’s jacket. There are so many things you can make out of wolf fur. This guy will be auctioned off to the highest bidder and that money will go right back into the state coffers. And our caribou herds will increase in this area because of the program run by the Great State of Alaska. Shout out here: you're doin' a great job, Governor Parnell!”
(Stands and walks toward the camera)
“I know some people think we should just let nature run wild out here in the wilderness, but we need more caribou and moose for our hunters so they can feed their families. I know, you want to go to the park and look at the wolves and that’s fine if that’s what you like to do. Me, I see the beauty of these creatures and I thank God that He has given them to us so that we can do with them what we must. But, c'mon God, there are a few too many, don'tcha think! Anyway, if we can use them for good, like to keep us warm, well, I think He would want us to do this."


Anonymous said...

Laughing and crying, here. All at the same time.

Resoundingly well done... and oh, the shame.

Diana said...

You nailed it, Rose.

Tim said...

Nice. When read with her irritating voice in mind, it works well.

bikegirl said...

Thanks -
I'm available to read it aloud - yes, in the voice.
Maybe I should take it to an open mic or stage it as a short play...

Anyway, I appreciate the support.